the names

ted williams was the splendid splinter joe dimaggio was the yankee clipper ty cobb was the georgia peach babe ruth was the sultan of swat he was also the bambino two names - two extra names - that’s impressive lou gehrig was the iron horse casey stengel was the old professor joe louis was the bronx bomber no, wait i think joe louis was the brown bomber maybe. i will do some more research jack dempsey was the manassas mauler al capone was mister brown i think you should research that one too frank sinatra was the voice what was marilyn monroe - she must have been something? she was the blonde bombshell she was a blonde bombshell, she wasn't the blonde bombshell you seem pretty sure of yourself i think maybe jean harlow was the blonde bombshell. we'll look it up. sophie tucker was the last of the red hot mamas i think you are on firmer ground there elvis presley was the king of rock and roll not necessarily - he was just the king we'll sort this all out later edith piaf was the little sparrow charles lindbergh was the golden eagle you made that one up i did not! okay, we'll look it up who was the songbird of the south? i don't know, you tell me somebody was the songbird of the south kate smith was the songbird of the south you sure about that? not one hundred percent, no. any more? attilla the hun was the scourge of god. cleopatra was the serpent of the nile wait a minute what? attila the hun - did he scourge god, or did he scourge his fellow humans for god? i don’t know - what difference does it make? it’s just a name “just” a name ? names are everything if you say so i do say so - the most important thing in the world is to have a great name you can’t be famous without a great name no, you have a great name because you are famous. you need a great name to be famous to begin with. that’s a scientific fact. prove it. i don’t have to prove anything - it is just so. are you saying if albert einstein didn’t have a great name and he invented the law of gravity nobody would have heard of him? absolutely. he wouldn’t be any more famous than me or you. why don’t we ask doc? doc doesn’t know anything. doc knows everything. doc isn’t even famous himself, so what does he know? we can ask him all the same. you can buy him a drink, i never will. fair enough. * doc was holding forth. he liked to hold forth. it was what he did, al bought doc a drink. ralphie smirked but didn’t say anything. doc looked at al and ralphie’s list. these are good, but you left some off. you left off george washington. he was the father of his country. we didn’t think that sounded too exciting, said ralphie. don’t interrupt. andrew jackson was old hickory. napoleon was the little corporal. the duke of wellington was the iron duke. abraham lincoln was the great emancipator. he was also the rail splitter. you see, two names - just like babe ruth. and jenny lind - she was the swedish nightingale. and florence nightingale - who was she? she was the lady with the lamp. thought you had me there, didn’t you? all this is very well, but tell us, what are the greatest names of all? all right, i will tell you. there are four really great names. only four? there are lots of great ones, but these are the greatest of them all. the cream of the crop. in ascending order, from 4 to 1. number 4 - joe dimaggio 3 - marilyn monroe 2 - andy warhol 1 - jack kerouac i’m just saying those are great names. i’m not saying joe dimaggio was the greatest ballplayer, or marilyn monroe was the greatest movie star, though she probably was. or andy warhol was the greatest artist, or jack kerouac was the greatest writer. see what a difference 1 or 2 syllables make - giuseppe dimaggio, norma jean baker, andrew warhola, john or jean-louis kerouac - forget it. just 1 or 2 syllables make all the difference. honorable mention - the best name a person made up for themself - bob dylan. the most perfect name - not the best but the most perfect for a particular purpose - andrea dworkin. you could try for a thousand years and not come up with a more perfect name for a man-hating feminist than “andrea dworkin”. donald trunp is pretty good in that regard too. you couldn't come up with a better name for donald trunp than "donald trump". and the worst name - the worst name ever - with nothing else even close - arthur schnitzler. that’s pretty bad. but i never heard of him. there you go. you should check his stories out, they are pretty good. poor arthur, if he had a half decent name, he might be as famous as kafka or hemingway. but it was not to be. what is the best name of somebody alive today? kim khardashian. nobody else even close. so what is the moral of all this? what is the moral of anything? how can you get a good name? there is no way. it just has to happen. you could try for more years than there are atoms in the universe, and you could not figure it out. because there is nothing to figure. it just has to happen. i could just keep trying. i guess you could. what about my name? what about it? alfred wallace. that is terrible. hopeless. forget about it. in fact it has already been tried and found wanting. alfred russel wallace invented evolution at the same time as charles darwin. charles darwin is a pretty good name - about 9.5 on a scale of 10. so you see what happened there. what about me? my name is ralphie simmons. oh that’s awful. hopeless. ralphie? ralphie, not ralph? go home, ralphie, and hide in the closet or get under the bed. so there is no hope for us? we will never be famous? oh, i would never say that never say never, after all. we can discuss this further. doc looked down at his empty glass, but when he looked up al and ralphie were gone. al walked home beside the river. as he walked along the stars began to fade in the sky and go home to mama. when ralphie got home, there was nobody there but the turtles.